Forgiving someone is not all about giving them what they want or need. It is about giving you something that you need!!! Sometimes it is about letting go and moving on with your life! Since I was a young woman I have always been able to hold on to a grudge. I mean I up until my early 20's I was made a LT for the way he dissed me in high school. 10 years later he was still asking for forgiveness. And I could not give it to him. Then one day I realize that it no longer mattered! Shrug who cares that a stupid teenage boy made a bad judgement call that he later regretted! Oh well....
To present day!
I choose not to stress out. SHYT happens! If it is God's will..... it will be done! I am a very private person. I hold alot in. Sometimes more than I need to. But it has never gotten the best of me. Lately I have had a full load. Trying to settle in to a new place, getting back to happy, living single (again), trying to get back on my feet, decide if I'm going to relocate again (for the last time!), anger at RBR, anger at myself, dealing with the kids, not being financially stable and just basically trying to make plans for the next year. (Yes I am a planner.)
Last week I finally forgave myself for loving RBR! LOL I know that sounds funny. But I have been putting myself through the ringer for giving him so many chances and him messing up every single one! SMH I realize I did what was right for me at the time. Yes I love RBR. No I have not always loved him. Having mini me helped in that regard. But is not the only reason. He treats me the way I like to be treated. (When he is not listening to his friends!) Its the little things he did that made me feel special. And made me want to be with him the rest of my life.
For years I have felt that RBR was "The One!" Yes we are from 2 different backgrounds. But we had always had a connections. Like 2 magnets. We have some similar interest. We have different stories. He talks Ebonics and I talk English. I would not know where the ghetto is and he can find it in any state or city for that matter. SMH But I love him. I felt that our differences helped. He has always felt otherwise. I know that I will love him forever. He will always have that special place in my heart! But I have no idea if he ever loved me or if I have ever had a place in his heart.
Last week I also mentally forgave RBR for what he put me through. Yes he knew what he was doing was wrong. Yes he is a grown ass man. But I know that I will never hate him. And I will always wish him the best in his life. But I had to forgive all his transgressions against me. And there were alot of them. Over the past several months I have went over our history together. The good and the bad!!!! And have realize how much I was holding inside... So I had to let it go. Not just for my sake. But for mini me's! (Regardless of what happened between me and her father .....that has nothing to do with their relationship.) Last week on one of my regular walks I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am no longer angry at RBR. I am still working on my closure. But I know it's like Jill Scott said.... I'm not good for him and he's not good for me. I love that song.... Cross My Mind.
I am ready to move on with my life. See what else God has in store for me. I can't wait....
